Fleeting Memories are like Butterflies

Sometimes I get taken over by feelings of times gone by and memories of things I haven’t thought of, in a long time. There’s often this sudden feeling in my stomach, in that part between my neck and my stomach - that brief breathlessness, just for a moment. As this breathlessness is about to depart, I fight to hold it back. At such times, it seems to me that if I let this feeling leave, I’d lose something very important to me. So I try to hold on, and then I realize that if I don’t write about this right at that moment, I might never get this feeling again. 

So why am I writing this now? The answer to this doesn’t exist in words, at least in my mind. There it just exists in form of some feelings that are going away even as I’m writing them. They’re like butterflies, staying there long enough that I realize that there used to be this indescribable feeling in the past that I don’t feel now, but these butterflies let me realize them, if only for an instant. They don’t however, stay long enough for me to catch them forever. 

I feel that these wisps of feelings are the true memories that exist deep inside, and come out only sometimes. The rest of the memories are just words, trying to describe feelings, losing the meaning each time we say them. Soon enough those words would just be empty shells. The meaning in them would have already long gone. I guess it’s good to realize those feelings from the past, catch that nostalgia and burn with it, for the few moments they are with you. This passage is my own attempt of doing it. 

Today, I saw a few things - I saw in my memories a song I used to listen to, back when I was in college. I was shocked to realize that I couldn’t even remember the name of the song, but just some lines from it. Every so often you see people recounting songs they used to listen to, long time ago, and here, I cannot remember it, thereby losing something precious to me. If I hear a song similar to it today, I probably wouldn’t like it that much, but that old song holds a special place in my memories, not because of what it is, but because of the fact that it comes with the images of time I spent back then, because it reminds me of those memories which would otherwise be forgotten. In those memories of the old times, I used to like songs like that, although that is not important right now.

Then I saw the songs I used to listen to, back in school. It wasn’t always that I liked to listen to music. My music taste started developing in 9th standard. I had just started listening to music, thanks to my ‘super-cool’(read delinquent) class. Computers were installed in every classroom(for studies) and we used to play music on them everyday. It’s a sweet image, really. Back then I was really naive, and a mr goody two shows, always doing the right thing, getting good grades and being a ‘good’ boy. Then I came into this class of people where people did whatever they wanted. They had fun, they broke rules. For me, entering that class caused a baptism of sorts. It made me realize that I had a narrow world view. i realized for the first time that i could reach out and grasp freedom, freedom i didn’t even know I could feel. We all broke rules, we studied, we laughed and we had fun. We grew up. I remember playing catch with computer speakers in classes, playing football in class, book cricket too. Now, a lot of this seems like small things, but back then they were significant to us. It’s like being out in the wind in the back of a car with no roof, wind rushing past, making our hair fly like a flag, attesting to our freedom. That’s the kind of thing I remember. 

And then I thought of this tv series(anime) I happened to watch sometime later. I tried to watch it in a really restrained manner(you see, I didn’t want to finish it too soon and then feel sad). It was a romance anime, set in school time. It was called Kare Kano and was set in a school. The first episode seemed pretty standard to me, but the song at the end caught me unawares. To this day, I still remember the images in the songs, consisting of hallways in a school. For some reason, I remember feeling nostalgic seeing that image. Was I nostalgic about the school? I truly don’t know. I remember the feeling I had when I had decided to start watching this anime. I had attached a lot of importance to watching it for some reason. I had this thought that this will make me remember about school, and more importantly tell me more about love(you see, I had recently caught this bug where I couldn’t stop thinking about a particular girl). So I was really excited about it. I was afraid that I’ll watch those 24 episodes very fast, I decided to put this series on hold. something so beautiful must be savored. The funny thing is that it’s still on hold, 5 years later. Why I never decided to finally watch it, I don’t know. 

Maybe I’m afraid of completing the cycle. If I watch it there’ll be nothing unfinished back from that time, nothing joining my present back to those years of past when I was much younger. By still having the unfinished things from back then, perhaps I can still stay young even today. Also, I’m afraid, that the illusion could break. The magic may be all in my head, but it is there. And it is beautiful, and something that beautiful has to be preserved. So even today, I remember those days when I would sit in my room, watching endless number of tv shows, movies, etc on my laptop and things continued on. I can remember it all crystal clear, as if all life back then is at standstill. Everyone in my house keeps doing their daily things while I would do my own things, in my room. there is a weird camaraderie hidden there. Perhaps, in my head even today I just sit there, doing my own things, growing older without knowing about it. 

Do you see how seemingly random the whole progression of feelings is? From songs I heard in college, to songs I heard in school, to school, to the new home I lived in. The progression is seemingly random. It’s like different ropes hanging out and currently I’m coming down from one of the ropes as it swings forward. Then I see another rope and jump on it, to swing further ahead, and so on. Going through your memories is like a game, a maze without a destination, connecting different places together. You may forget those wisps of memory, but hopefully the maze will stand there, to bring those wisps back if you happen to need them.

Remembering these memories accidentally makes me melancholy, more melancholy than talking about it with a friend on a normal day. On a normal day its just words between friends. On a day like this, it’s more than just words, it’s feelings that rush through the whole being and go away, leaving me emptier than before. At the same time, however, I realize that while I’m being sad about the old feelings, the new memories are being created right now. Like how I feel when I look at a window covered with rain, or how the leaves on road in an autumn day make you feel. It’s surreal, but all this is happening at the same time the old things are going away. But you know, more than anything else, I’m thankful for all the things I’ve experienced and those that I continue to experience, hour by hour, day by day as the clock ticks away…

Paradise

Slow passing moments ,

Like butterflies in the stomach,
Passed away away so fast,
A swishing sound, sudden to the ears,
Unconvincing to the mind ,was heard,
As the grand stage crumbled ,to fade away.

Dreams and passing moments go opposite ways,
Torn between the roads we move on ahead,
For one road is forever sealed,
And the choice between the roads was never really a choice,
But a harbinger desiring acceptance,
And a soul demanding repentance.

The whirlpool that swirls in the eyes,
Clouding vision by throwing in dust,
When truth is sometimes the lie,
And days speak of the darkest nights,
And black clouds rain in a heavy torrent,
And the fresh mud smell promises of new stories.

The wet moss on the ground,is so soft to touch,
Holding so many stories, 
of what once got buried in the ground.
While the sky holds a pretty rainbow,
So you could happily see,
Your dreams before you fade away, free.

And one might ask a valid question,
Whats the point to all this musing,
I must tell you, none indeed.
Just some thoughts to set me free,
Adios now, so I might see,
Another happy day in another happy dream.

A trip to the bar

You go to a bar,and the bartender is filling your glass up.

You keep drinking and drinking,till you practically can't see anything.And you're like

"Hey bro,fill me up a last glass"

The bartender is all like,

"No sir,I think you've had enough,you should go home.

  So much drinking isn't safe at this time of the night."

And then some mindless squabble over a last glass of wine which you want,but the bartender insists you that you won't get.

He says, 

"Sir don't you need to go home now? "

When you finally realize,as you tell the bartender that there's no line on on the horizon.

"That the home's gone so far away now."

God,Where is it? WHERE IS IT?

Summer Vacations

This time around I'm going to talk about summer vacations.I'm going to talk only about the summer vacations I've seen after school.Since , there wasn't much that happened during holidays in school time.Now college has been a great time if you consider summer vacations.Sometimes there would be a bit of a boring ,depressing phase but as the end of college approaches ,it still gives me a heavy feeling in chest that all those experiences were the last.No more summer vacations now.At least like that.

Exit School,the phase before college - It was a blissful phase,I feared that the friends would go away,and there was a little fear,but there was the anticipation that college would be a great time. Therein lay the silver lining , the eldorado we search for. I went to maternal grandparents' house for a month.Had a lot of fun.Watched a hell lot of movies,did a lot of random stuff.I was still a school kid then,didn't know what fun meant,life was so simple.

My first summer vacations after coming to college had been a truly blissful experience.I had given JEE exam again,and it was a fun phase.I had been introduced to the joy of downloading movies and unlimited internet,and hard drives.This led to 2 months of movie mania,watching 2-3 movies a day. Additionally I'd  go to a friend's house who had dropped a year and we'd chat around for long time,playing PS3 and exchanging movies and songs. It was a truly blissful phase,like in a bubble where nothing can come in ,nothing can go out,and you have a constant feeling that everything is just alright,and things will take care of themselves.I can just sleep and keep sleeping,no need to worry.

The second summer vacations after coming to college had me worrying a bit about where I was going on with my life,I didn't do much of anything,didn't have a lot of interests academically.All I knew was how to have fun,and that's what I usually did too.I joined an online magazine intern.Where most people were coding away in PHP and java,I wrote articles and got introduced to new people in literary world,those like me who like to write.Who can ask for more from life ? Where there was worry,the antidote was there with me ,alright.Things would fall in place by the end,was the constant reassurance.I read novels,went to that friend's house.

The third summer vacations were spent with friends in hyderabad,doing an intern with Amazon. Now I don't get nostalgic thinking about it but it was a lot of fun,hanging out with friends,and working together.I remember how mum would get sentimental on phone and I'd get homesick too,and miss food.I stopped eating more than once in 2 days by the end of the vacations,but these were still the vacations to be missed.We all worked hard,had good fun. The best part was that there was a sense of fellowship and even though most of our friends were not with us we knew that they'd be there when we'd go back to college from the intern.Things still worked as they were supposed to,there were no complaints,except perhaps about food.

Now I look at the next summer vacations I'll have.For the first time around,I'm not anticipating the summer vacations at all.There'd be no college staring at my face at the end of two months.This is goodbye to all the times,a time to reconcile to the new life.We all friends promise each other that we'd be there for each other till the end,but is this possible ? Does it work like this ? Maybe I'm being cynical,but only the few of our friends remain with us till the end.Why does it have to be like this,though ? Why the weird sensation in chest when all we want is the reassurance that things are gonna be okay at the end of all this.Why was the reassurance there before,and not now? Am I supposed to keep thinking about this question till it eats away at my head.Probably the best part would be to buckle up and accept the winds of change.Like the sky absorb all that comes to us - sorrow,happiness,joy,laughter,dreams - those that have been fulfilled and those that'll remain incomplete. Sad music,resonates with the soul,I wonder when it'll stop making sense.But I'll have to wait for it.

After all ,tomorrow is another day.

AND SO SHE FALLS

And as she swam,
on and on,
the hurt searing in her shoulders,
but the hope of going through another day driving her on,
and she ran and ran,
wanting to catch up to the moon,
for it held out the promise of an eternal night,
drops of cool frailty falling from the sky,
as she cried for her,
and she kept going into the dark,
forgetting the past and the regrets,
forever into the dreams,
for they held a hope for eternal flame,
which could shine in the dark,
and she could escape,
from this world,
the darkness,the frailty of death,
seeping into some pit,
forever out of the view,
to come up in another eternity perhaps,
and so,
she falls,
trapped in the moment she can't get out of,
the eternal bliss,
an eternal rain.

THE FALL

I saw a friend,
who met a tragedy,
a travesty of tragedy maybe,i am not sure,
and all I could do was laugh,
a hollow,mirthless laugh.

All I wanted to do was to fly,
a mockingbird to bring joy,
fluttering indefinitely,to swallow the silences,
as I have always done.

Having failed,even now there's no grief,
just an acceptance,
a will to take the fall,to the unending depths of earth,
to run endlessly in a new world.

I look down at the cliff,
maybe,I'll wake up again tomorrow,
or maybe I'll fly away,
spreading my wings,I dive below.

An abyss is swallowing me up as I fall,
to hit the ground far below me,
a travesty of tragedy maybe,I am not sure,
and all I can do is laugh,
a hollow,mirthless laugh.

THE THOUGHTFUL RAIN

A raging sky,
dancing leaves,
over that tree,
standing tall.
 
Wondering how,
it came to be,
to end this way,
such a lovely day.
 
The end is lovely,
no doubt about that,
a day was born with the calm sun,
and will now sleep into the night.
 
As the sky grows darker,
and the clouds darker still,
children stand in the park,
enjoying the cool breeze.
 

End of another day,
second by second,minute by minute,
the slow approach to the end of time,
the canvas keeps filling,with colours of life.
 
When the universe ends,
with the end of time,
will we still be remembered,
as we are now?
 

Whatever it is,that the future holds,
it holds in the future,not now,
with this thought,and arms open wide,
I walk into the pouring rain.